the truth of looking at the mirror

2006-01-21T07:36:00.001-08:00

The Great Adventure Tour

greetings fellow ladies, and gentlemen, fellow blog addicts, or random passerbys! :) sorry to bust your bubble of keeping me quiet for the rest of the year, i'm finally back from what seemed like a long, fun, tiring trip to eternity. I had this great adventure tour..and yup we really called it Great Adventure Tour a.k.a. GAT ...Oceania GAT that is :) yfc people from australia, fiji, new zealand, darwin, brisbane ..came to the Phils and joined the tour --sugar coating it into 2 long weeks of hands on training and excitement :) let me see..hmmm...i can't go all the way back and recount every single detail of my 2 week or more trip, in this entry. Hopefully, as I continue boring everyone with random stories of my quizzically Christ-filled life, I'd be able to interject every so often, small anecdotes of the said trip.

Great Adventure Tour ONLY CHRIST " For it is not ourselves that we preach but Christ"

Amen to that. It was nothing but greatness and splendor. The wonders of God's unexplainable unconditional love was embedded in every step of the way. Great tours, great learnings, great jesus moments, great scenery, great friends, great relationships, great food, great accommodations, great laugh trip and food trip moments, great hurting moments, great nostalgic moments, great parting moments ...and the list goes on and on. It's hard to recall something so great and beautiful and exciting..when you know very well that words aren't enough to describe the feeling ( not to mention the fact that it's hard to write everything here). Its the memories that I hold dear in my heart and mind ..more in my heart coz my mind can tend to be forgetful. Luckily, I got my digicam to capture moments that are best seen and felt ...as they say pictures say a thousand words.

As I write this, I'm browsing the pictures on the other window..and my mind recalls every single thing as I look upon each one. My mind's full of rainbow colors that I can't exactly pick which one is my favorite. God knows how happy I am. God knows how much I enjoyed and thankful I am for being there. He taught me alot of things. He was there with me throughout the whole GAT. This 2-or-more-week tour encapsulized my life ...and it turns out...Christ is everywhere. He's in the morning when I wake up, when I have trouble waking up. He's there when I eat, at the bus, in the van, while walking, in the heat of conversations, in the midst of other people, in most hurtful moments, in the most joyous moments. He was there. I just simply feel that because He surrounds me all the time...He never leaves me alone. He loves me that much that He makes it a point to make me feel that love every single day.

I used to think I didn't deserve that kind of love, the love that overflows. Cliche as it may seem, tears are slowly brimming my eyes (hope it won't fall though) because I just really feel loved and at the same time foolish for even thinking that God could ever leave my side. It was a rare opportunity to be serving 60+ people with only 7 not that much experienced, service team members with you. Amen to the fact that we never could've done it without GOD. I hope that the participants realized that. Adventures won't be great without the creator of adventures.

My God gave me a wonderful gift on my birthday. I had this negative thought that I'd be feeling low because I wasn't with my family, my bestfriend wasn't there, and my friends won't be greeting me ( the usual melo-drama). I feared that fing so much that my only prayer for my birthday was for HIM to make me feel every inch of His love, every minute, every hour, that day (or even more). Just to compensate the lack of familiarity with the people and my surroundings. I spent my day travelling from Nueva Ecija to Baguio. I was silent most of the time because it was such a crappy feeling to be on the road on your birthday. But He turned that all around. He heard my prayers. The very next day He made me a gift that light up the fire of my conviction for serving Him more. HE TRULY DID REMIND ME OF MY LOVE STORY WITH HIM. He made me remember how precious I was that He sought me, chose me, handpicked from 3 million people on earth, to be doing His mission. I cried out of happiness at that moment. I couldn't believe that My God could love someone like me AND MAKE ME REMEMBER THAT ITS CONSTANTLY TRUE. His love truly never falters.

There's a lot of new and interesting things that happened to me. THings that I wouldn't have been able to do, if it weren't for GAT. take for example the fact that Ms. Kikay actually swam in mud. hahah wooohoo! from Antipolo to RIzal, to Antipolo, to Davao, to Clark Pampanga, to Nueva Ecija, to Baguio, back to Alpadi, to Enchanted Kingdom. It was a wild wild ride. One crazy adventure. An adventure worth remembering and reliving. How could it be that my God loves me this much? I really don't know how it was possible. I was assigned to US Virgin Islands as part of our YFC mission which is to conquer 153 counties in 1 year. This is really is it. I don't know what to do. If I really need to be there, I really don't know. I already told my GOd..hands down ..I really don't know how I am to do all of this. ...But Hey ...It was HIM who called me right? So I'm sure and He did promise that He will prepare me for anything. After all ...it was never I who preached myself...But CHRIST.

The Oceania Great Adventure tour may have ended. BUT THE REAL ADVENTURE is just beginning. Brace Yourself.

(pictures in another site danagurl.myphotoalbum.com) ..or add 's' to myphotoalbums if its wrong. SOON.

2006-01-21T07:36:00.000-08:00

Great Adventure Tour ONLY CHRIST " For it is not ourselves that we preach but Christ"

Amen to that. It was nothing but greatness and splendor. The wonders of God's unexplainable unconditional love was embedded in every step of the way. Great tours, great learnings, great jesus moments, great scenery, great friends, great relationships, great food, great accommodations, great laugh trip and food trip moments, great hurting moments, great nostalgic moments, great parting moments ...and the list goes on and on. It's hard to recall something so great and beautiful and exciting..when you know very well that words aren't enough to describe the feeling ( not to mention the fact that it's hard to write everything here). Its the memories that I hold dear in my heart and mind ..more in my heart coz my mind can tend to be forgetful. Luckily, I got my digicam to capture moments that are best seen and felt ...as they say pictures say a thousand words.

There's a lot of new and interesting things that happened to me. THings that I wouldn't have been able to do, if it weren't for GAT. from Antipolo to RIzal, to Antipolo, to Davao, to Clark Pampanga, to Nueva Ecija, to Baguio, back to Alpadi, to Enchanted Kingdom. It was a wild wild ride. One crazy adventure. An adventure worth remembering and reliving. How could it be that my God loves me this much? I really don't know how it was possible. I was assigned to US Virgin Islands as part of our YFC mission which is to conquer 153 counties in 1 year. This is really is it. I don't know what to do. If I really need to be there, I really don't know. I already told my GOd..hands down ..I really don't know how I am to do all of this. ...But Hey ...It was HIM who called me right? So I'm sure and He did promise that He will prepare me for anything. After all ...it was never I who preached myself...But CHRIST.

The Oceania Great Adventure tour may have ended. BUT THE REAL ADVENTURE is just beginning. Brace Yourself.

(pictures in another site danagurl.myphotoalbum.com) ..or add 's' to myphotoalbums if its wrong. SOON.

2006-01-01T07:39:00.000-08:00

The 2005 Recap

So I just finished fixing my things. Drifting in the wave of nostalgia, I read my calendar and smirked, smiled, and laughed at the memories that made a mark in my calendar. Looking back at it all, everything seemed to be put in place. I'm trying to come up with my highlights and lowlights of 2005...I hope I was able to remember everything that ought to be in this list.

* numbering isn't because of importance ..I just so happens I remember them first*

1) ABSOLUTELY SOUTH B
-- the event that made its mark at the start of the year. hecticness=program directors=me and allen=absolutelysoutbt-shirts=the brand that started it all. Ü

2) WORLD WAR
-- it was me against all the 3rd parties in the world - from bitter ex-es to raging opportunistas and assuming naive bimbo's. they just wanted me to be so unhappy they had to put up a cat fight for the whole world to see. nights of crying-shouting-cussing- and a whole lot more. they feel that i'm a threat to "their" men so they decide to scratch my ego. of course, I made up with one of them in them :) and as for the others..geezz :) this lead to the blair and serena tandem Ü

3) ILC @ SUBIC
-- one time big time choral performance on stage = competitions emcee = 4 days at subic = luving my cluster even more = i love you more today than yesterday = hoping to see the guy i liked at that time = my deadline with God = the heeding to His call

4) ISABELA MISSION TRIP
-- learned alot on this one = God is Enough = long long long travelling hours going to mountain province = the grueling top load= the most challenging youth camp ever = crash course discovery camp = guitarista = singer = tiga laba, tiga hugas ng pinggan = home sickness

5) BIG DISAPPOINTMENT
-- so much for expectations = confusion = what did I hear = misleading = bitteness and contempt = boycott = disbelief with God

6) THE REBEL
-- with so much anger left unexperessed - the rebel comes out - total boycott - stone cold heart - deafness - world of my own - live out the life that nobody expects - THE badgirl

7) PRODIGAL DAUGHTER
-- my God never let me go - disturbance at every minute and every single day - the benefits of a nagging conscience - service never left my side - Absolutely South B on Fire sharing - Metrocon most unexpected duty - kikay meets basura - God's allowing me to test the waters - going back to God

8) PUERTO GALERA
-- first ever lowest budget beach gimmick - a start of new friendship - loving the simplicity of God's love - the start of re-enkindling old friendships ..and well forgetting old ones that weren't worth it -

9) LOLO'S DEATH
- don't know what you've got till its gone - living the most out of life -- do everything while you can -- witnessing the vulnerability of my father -- acceptance and letting go -- curing my funeral phobia

10) SOME THINGS ARE JUST WORTH THE WAIT
-- God's plan still reigns -- my mom's story of the white rose -- back to you - i'll always come around back to you -- happiness in family -- finally God answers my prayers -- the missionary is ready.

2005 has been wild for me. God has taught me alot and I believe He will challenge me more. People may not understand the decision that I've made -- I don't even know how to tell my friends about this. I don't even know if I can or if they will understand. Probably they never will. If only I can tell them as easily as telling someone that I just bought something. But 2006 holds the promise of my God. I'm scared but I know it's gonna be worth it.

2006-01-01T00:47:00.000-08:00

The first entry to the first day of the year. I just got home from our traditional get-together with my lola - juxtoposed with last night's or rather this early morning's get-together with my cousins and a few childhood friends, from the mother side.
I've grown to love this tradition. The kind where you know that it's bound to happen whether a few elements are missing or not (miss you carla dear). The kind where you don't know where you'd end up if the no gathering happened. It was a fun new year alright. Started off with the usual 10 o'clock mass at the parish in Tahanan. We were about 12 cousins plus carlo and nani (my childhood friends). We took pictures of the fireworks display that the boys setup, hoping it would look like the
pyrolympics display at Blue Wave the other night. The thought of tradition popped up in this essay when I remembered the small conversation I had with Nani. We were kidding around that it was the same old thing again, and its the same old us, and we're doing the same old activity we always do every new year. He joked about how next time it would be us bringing the kids and still we'd be kidding around each other. Yup, it was so old but rarely grew tired of it.

My new year started with a petty ..but really good news :) My cousin happens to work in starbux..so I just mentioned to him about the whole sticker craze that I've been going through. He smiled and told me that it was good I reminded him about it. He gave me 3 cards that were already filled up and even gave me stickers to fill up the one I had with me currently. So all in all, I got 4 planners effortlessly. hahaha! THANKS THANKS orvi!

I've been thinking about the past year that has happened during the mass. In fact, I was quite taken aback about the conversation I had with God during the mass. Usualy, I'd talk first and then I'd listen for Him. But this time, He was the one who was talking to me continously. This time He said that it's His chance to talk. And He assured me and warned me of a lot of things. He said that things will get crazier and tears are gonna be poured out again and another year's gonna take me on a whirlwind me adventure. It scared me a bit thinking about the task He was giving to me at hand but my fear subsided when He reminded me of His promise to me. No matter what He will never let me go. HE will allow me to feel His love so that I can love more people.

Another thing happened this afternoon, another sign that God was preparing me indeed for a great adventure, for me to see His glory in my life. My mom confided that she has been praying for me -- If I was truly in the right path, if being a missionary was where He wanted to lead me. My mom asked for a sign. She asked for a white rose because it has been ages since she's seen one. She prayed about it during the Misa de Gallo. The next day our family went to my lola's for the traditional christmas lunch. She was suprised to see a white rose, planted in a pot, in the garage of my lolo. For days it has bothered her, she was wondering if that was the sign that she was asking for. When we visited my grandmother again, she tried to look for the rose and it was again.

I could sense that my mother was overjoyed to have her prayers answered. I was silently listening to her but deep inside I was trying to control my own joy over this. I know that if I didn't control it, my own droplets would fall out. But I didn't want to engage in another sappy session. My face was stoic but I knew I was bursting with happiness. God was affirming me again! Through my mother! That I wasn't wrong when I answered His call. That even my mom could feel the sureness of all this. My God was urging me further to believe in His plan for me. It was amazing. So surreal! IT was great great way to start the year.

Laughter and Tears. Friendship and enemies. Attachments and dettachments. Acceptance and letting go. Settling down and moving on. Whatever this year holds for me -- i know this is going to be better. I'm gonna to have to grab a firm hold on God before I let my life take me into another whirlwind crazy adventure.

2005-12-30T22:56:00.000-08:00

One Crazy Misadventure

Till the last day of 2005, I still managed to have one last wild tripping before the 2006-clean-slate is handed to me once again. Cris just came home from Davao and Ian wanted to go out with us. We wanted to go to Tagaytay..but we couldn't think of anything that we could do there. So we ended up agreein on watching the only bearable Metro Manila Film Fest I can think of which is 'Ako Legal Wife' (in support of my dear friend jc) and I thought it was funny - so okay. ANyway, it sounds simple right? Well at first we thought it would be just one of our misadventures. What started out as a normal "gimick" between 3 teenagers turned out to be one wierd long night for all of us.

The movie was funny. Not funny to the point that it made me cry - but it was a light comical relief. We were done by 6 at the movies so we decided to have dinner instead at Blue Wave and then go to the 9pm pyrolympics display near the bay. I've been there last year so I knew it would be great. You didn't really have to go in and buy a ticket, you can just watch everything from a far. Not much people. Cool Wind. Great View. Simply Nice. Or..as Ian would say it sounded "romantic" ( why the sudden desire for a romantic atmosphere...i have no idea). So we all went there..although we were really really hungry. We decided to munch on the wierd chips that I gave cris and the mango tamarind that she bought home from Davao. It was enough to suffice for our growling stomachs..but of course not for long. We were just approaching roxas boulevard near Heritag hotel and the traffice was BAD! ..i sound too nice..it was HORRENDOUS! 9 pm and the fireworks started already! everyone was so mesmerized by it that people started coming out of their cars. Since no one wanted to move, people stopped in the middle of the highway - turning the 24/7 car infested road into a convenient parking lot! We were trapped. Me, cris, and ian could see the fireworks but it was so far. I was trying to get the brat attack syndrome. I wanted to kick the driver's ass for not moving foreward despite the ample space in front of him.

There was an interval of 1 hour for the next showing. Thankfully, we were able to advance a few kilometers down the highway. We were a bit nearer to bluewave by about 9:45pm. OUr stomachs were growling and we were blurting out all stupid hirits than we could possibly think of. We started asking questions - using the proverbial autograph book- as our guide. Define love, embarrassing moments, favorite color watever. Anything to take our minds of traffic and boredom. There was my handy dandy digicam that allowed us to glorify ourselves for the meantime. Finally the second part of the show started, I heard from the noisy car neighbor who had their windows down as well, that it was the Philippines who had the final slot in performing. Me and Ian got out of the car (just like everybody else) and walked at a nearer spot. I took some pictures (although most of it were sablay).

Everything was worth it. ANd though I was standing several miles from the area itself. The view was still great and the crowd was so enthusiastic. Filipinos do know how to make a good time out of a bad one.

OF course, after all of the oohs and the aahss came the *Y#*&U# and the &@(#) for such a long long long traffic jam. Some stupid people parked their car and found it convenient to leave it there in the middle of the highway, while everyone was attempting turn around it. It was was 11 - and no - we had no lunch or dinner yet. My stomach was grumbling! We decided to make an adventure out of everything. We found this road -- that we thought was the aiport road and decided to go in there. OF course, to our dismay, it was just one measly street. God sent us a jeep that guided us out of it. We had to pass by this baclaran eskinita that - was it a road?or walkway? I dont know. But we didn't care. We were wandering in the depths of baclaran..and then before long, we were cruising along sucat road. yey :)

We decided to stop by cris; house. YEY!! CR!! hahah and water! it was already 2am by that time. After that we decided to eat (well they ate) at Sinangag Express) and I got home by 3am.

I was so beat and tired. But hey at least I got to try something different. :)

The whole trip seemed somewhat like my story in 2005. It started out normal, till things started getting shittier by the minute..and then going back in retrospect..everything fell in place after all.

It's gonna be 2006 in a matter of hours. A final wave to 2005. Thanks for all the laughter, tears, and the controversies that you brought in my life. can't wait for another helping of it to make my life more interesting. :)

2005-12-28T07:51:00.000-08:00

as recommended by a blogger addict friend of mine, I started reading the blogs of other people. I am now realizing that blogging has involuntarily formed its own culture, its own little world in cyberspace. it has its own language, own set of rules, own set of uhh citizens if i may so. Every blog has a different personality. It can be as boring as a mongol pencil (might as well not publish it if you've got nothing to say aside from - I went to Podium this week or went to a bar this week and had my usual lung cancer dosage -- geez nowadays everyone appears to be a go-getter social climber as long as they go to bars or all the "hotspots" in town) I used to be a party girl..and really it gets boring. OR BLOGS can be as controversial as the one I just visited cofibean.blogspot.com (visit at your own risk) or as witty as Jessica Zafra's twistedbyjessicazafra.blogspot.com OR EVEn as funny as badinggerzie.blogspot.com. The more I read the more I shrivel at the site/sight of the writer god's the live among us. I pay my respects! :)But as I continue reading, comment after comment, entry after entry, blog after blog ...there's one thing prevalent ..the almighty ANONYMOUS.

who the hell is anonymous?

for centuries..from B.C to A.D. and watever C's or D's, from the 50's. to 60's and all the supposedly forgotten age's lived by our parents and grand parents ...anonymous still manages to be untouched by time. boundless. limitless. He's not high profile but his reputation seems to be known in all four corners of the earth. His personality is unknown but his ideas are so well-remembered that it seems to be the embodiment of his soul. He just pops up anywhere at anytime! Given an event, an article, a live tv talk show..he/she ..uhhh..iT? ...is there! He/she/it can give the most outrageous comment and get away with it. I often wonder if anyone has discovered the real identity of anonymous. I wonder if anyone has even tried. Cause apparently anyone whose anyone can claim that he/she/it is anonymous..and well..still remains anonymous. Hands down to whoever or whatever this is ..if it's a crime to say anything, anywhere, anytime-- regardless of the so-called rules of social etiquette that tries to govern are mundane lives..then he's a smooth criminal.

and why does that matter?

nowadays, little by little everything is being brought out in the open. Just take a look at all the scandals that are slowly sprouting like mushrooms all over the country. There's sex scandals by this famous actress, affairs, gay and lesbian couples, P.D.A's, take a look at FHM, or hey even consider, the wire-tapping case against our GMA. Anyone can find out about anything. All secrets are slowly keeping out. Now everything has to be double checked if you want to make sure whatever it is your hiding is kept in safe place (and i'm not just talking about financial assets here). Gossip is the constant livewire. A channel can have more than 2 gossip shows, it's included in current news reports...and oddly enough...it even has its own update that pops up every 2 shows or so...as if our own little world of perils and controversies isn't enough to handle.

People are getting used to letting the truth come out. I'd say it puts a whole new twist to the TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE saying. well. ..doesn't it? It doesn't just set you free - it sets you flying through mid-air, being chased around, hounded, and interrogated 24/7. Blogs like these are another example. I'm not used to putting all my stuff out in the open. (depending on what stuff we're talking about of course) I don't usually open up that much if I don't trust you. I don't even voice out opinions most of the time. I usually write ..but with this? (My calouses are hideous enough for me to stop from going to the salon and have my nails done) ..typing makes everything easier. (well, i'm proud to say i'm a typing pro).

I'm paying a visit or a phone call or a shoutout to anyone who knows anonymous. I'll be buying his signature copyright so that I can start keeping what needs to be kept, hide what ever needs to be hidden, deleted whatever needs to be forgotten.

As for all of you guys who'd want to know what I'm talking about,....it's nothing really. No Big deal ...you're just intrigued by the mystery from all this hiding. and anyway...mind your own beeswax :)

2005-12-26T04:03:00.000-08:00

its dec. 26. almost a day has passed since that beloved and much awaited birthday of Jesus Christ. I've always loved the Christmas Season. Despite the increase in suicidal and theft rates, despite the fact that often times I have a "cold" Christmas alone, despite the fact that I might not get the gift that I really want or my parents get heated up over having to buy what gift for whom, I still love the season simply because it was Christmas.I liked it because the weather was cold (though it aggravated my dry skin further, i got colds, and i got fever). I like it because the streets (or most who don't care about their electricity bill) are adorned with bright lights, santa claus, reindeers, and other glittery stuff. Indeed, one major reason for trying to make believe that this tropical country is indeed, north pole. I like it because of the Christmas Carols that play in the air (and also for the ones that seems too often played). I like it because every one just seems a little bit happier, or at least they try and make a concerted effort to make anyone whose anyone feel loved. I like it because it was the birthday of the a person who saved me, who was there for me when no one was, who made me feel that I was worthy enough, the one I work for, the one i give my seemingly dysfunctional life to. Every year its a different kind of Christmas. Every year theres a lot of anecdotes that seem to form amidst all the excitement. Every year I feel a bit happier because I know that God gives me a special gift. He seems to let me know in His personal way that He really does love me.

Well alot of small itty bitty things happened this first part of the season (New Year being the 2nd part). I dont get to spend as much as now. I had no 13 month pay because im still on volunteer status in YFC. But I had more parties that I attended too which meant more gifts from the exchange gift games, more activities, more friends. ( I still have other pending parties after this) I got sick (unfortunately) and sick being fever, colds, and swollen eyes. The first time we spent Christmas at the new house in Westgrove, which gave everything a very American feeling ( weather was like Baguio!) The first time I experienced a 2 hour Christmas MASS!!!! That I gotta expound just a bit.

I hate to complain and all..I know I'm supposed to be a missionary whose supposed to tolerate things such as these. BUT THIS WAS JUST QUITE SHOCKING. Usually when its Christmas, we spend the evening counting till midnight. This -- we spent Christmas in the car going back to my Tita's house. I don't know why they intended it do be long but it was too long for my tolerance level.

--> Too many offertories

-->too many sacristans (they were like a big gospel Choir near the altar)

--> the gospel was said slowly because it had a play along with it and the priest was the narrator

--> the homily had too much in it - a text message was read and explained..a LONG email was read and then explained..and to top it all of, there was a VIDEO accompanied by a reflection SONG!

Oh the list's not finished yet - after that and all the offertories and rites had been made -

-->there was a "singit" acapella and dance performance complete with lighting and dramatic effects.

and FINALLY,

-->THE LITANY OF THANK YOU's that was made by the priest!

We were all at the edge of our seats groaning and looking at the time. My sister was saying "ate its already midnight!". The priest said "lastly" ...TWICE! On our way home, we were trying to pick out the parts that we hated. My brother was saying "Ano to Recollection?! ILC?" and my mom was saying " Too much and no substance." My cousins claims thats normal for the rest of the town. *geesh!*

Ok, enough with the mass,it was the first time for me to have Christmas only with one set of family. Usually we celebrate with 2 other families of cousins..but the other had to go back to the province. As for the rest, it were more or less the same, same tradition of opening gifts, same yummy delicious food and same atmosphere of story telling. We spent Christmas day with our lola's house. (first time for lolo not to be there..=( ) But nevertheless, we were able to keep up with the cheery atmosphere of Christmas.I'm inching to really go out and feel at least part of our gift ( yeah i mean shopping). 8 more stickers to go for my starbucks planner!!! HELP ME PLEASE! coffee addicts out there!

as for the rest of you folks out there hope you had your own whirlwind-christmas-carol-sprinkled-sweets-infested-gift-decorated-and-light-ornamented-christmas season.

Have a happy Holidays! Hold that piece of cake and cookie and feel your tummy before eating it! hahaha :) but then again that's why God invented excercise :)

2005-12-23T03:30:00.000-08:00

2 days before christmas and I chanced upon this article ..in a features section somewhere in the Philippine STAR ..it was something about 12 THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE - and it was referring to a show from Oprah (gotta love this girl!). The writer started listing down things she knew for sure. In a world full of possibilities and mysteries, anchoring on a sure belief may be your best bet in riding down the whirlwind of life. You wouldn't want to end up moving around listlessy with no mind of your own. I started thinking what do i know for sure? I haven't exactly had time to think about this deeply..but here goes..

1) TIME IS ALWAYS OF THE ESSENCE.-- whether it be hurrying or taking time to smell the flowers. You have to have the time. I know somewhere in the Bible (sorry God i haven't grown that accustomed to Your book yet.) there's this gospel reading about time.. it sounds like "a time to sow and a time to reap the harvest" (or something like that). Anyway, you always have time and it's always up to you how to use it.

2) THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN SMILE ABOUT.-- yeah even I find this a bit hard to believe, knowing that this statement came from the hidden cupboards of my cynical mind. But it's true -- disaster may fall and the world may tumble..there is always something to smile about. The trick is you always have to look for it. Of course, in our world today, where everything seems to be at its worst, it gets harder to look for that reason of happiness.

3) THAT PERSON YOU THINK WILL ALWAYS BE THERE MAY BE THE FIRST PERSON WHO'LL BE LEAVING.-- Sad but my life experiences have proven this statement to be true. Nothing in life is permanent. People come and people go. People who you hang on to with every bit of your soul will be the first one who'll rip you apart when they're gone. The first person who you think would be trustworthy may be the world's biggest liar and deceiver. Thus comes to my next sure thing.

4) SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD FULL OF DECEIVERS, you will always be lucky enough to have at least one person you can depend on.-- be it your family, your bestfriend, that librarian you usually talk to whenever you do your homework, that vendor where you buy your favorite viand, that bus driver who makes sure you go home safe.. whoever..it can be anyone! BUT there is always someone.

5) MY GOD WILL ALWAYS LOVE ME TOMORROW AS MUCH AS TODAY.-- this statement comes from the very lucky wife of Mr. Raffy URgino ( a guy I simply adore). It's a comforting thought that I hold on to dearly. It's true in its simplest form. No matter what...all my friends may turn their backs against me, lovers may leave and deceive, family goes old on you, and you're stuck in that lone island of yours... you may not be sure what happens to you, and sometimes you might not even want to know..but one thing you will know and you would want to know.. is that your GOd loves you whenever, wherever, however, whatever the circumstances are. This I know for a fact. Friends have often proved to be out of sight, lovers leave in the blink of an eye, and *sigh* even families may make you feel more misunderstood than usual..but God..God just simply loves you for who you are.

2005-12-19T07:12:00.000-08:00

and finally something sweeter than imaginable happens...Ü and I'm thanking my God for it Ü

2005-12-18T18:29:00.000-08:00

im so tired! and sadly, it's not solely because of the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. Work is starting to pile up little by little in preparation of 2006 actitivites. Deadlines need to be met. Papers have to be prepared..so on and so forth. I guess it's pretty evident since I'm not able to update my blog..daily..like I used to.

Everyday I go home with a tired mind and body. I come home to measly meals and a computer that cant even get to yahoo.com. (i have to wait long enough for me to finish a rosary before it could get any faster). Sometimes I don't even sleep at my house. Because things are getting hectic than usual, and because I usually have a hard time commuting every morning, there are times that I just decide to sleep over at Cris' house and we can all go home late or go to work early. I find myself missing those days of waking up wayyy wayy late in the morning :(

Starbux update: I need 11 more stickers to go :) thanks to the kind hearted people who treated me to starbux:) my wallet is getting lighter by the minute with all the 1-minute coffee rendezvous.

and my eyes! oh my dear gorgeous eyes! (HAHA) i started feeling a sort of twitching pain whenever I blink, last saturday. I started putting ice on it but come sunday, it swelled more :( ouch.... it's like I have this bruise on my eyes :( waaaahhhh...usually its because of stress. For the past few days, my eyes have been on the go staying awake till wee hours of the morning that it is now on strike! It now screams give me some rest!

2005-12-13T07:57:00.000-08:00

my maundy monday..:(

Last monday, an untoward incident happened to me. I guess I can say I was physically and emotionally harrassed by a guy that I didn't exactly know. The events are too awkward to reveal and even I cringe at the thought everytime that I remember. All I can remember was the feeling. Simple as it may seem..I felt really violated. I felt crappy. I felt ugly. I felt that my personal space was invaded. and somehow it made me really really sad.

I felt so lonely because I wished there was really someone who would take me home everyday and made sure I was safe. I don't usually care about things like these. I'm used to being independent all the time. I never thought I could be so defenseless. I wished at that time that maybe I really needed someone special in my life. I don't really join in the whole search for the ONE ..somehow that incident just made me question myself so much. I got mad at a close guy friend because he wasn't there..and I felt bad about blaming him and making him the representative of the whole jerk population.

Anyway, when I got home, I wanted to tell my mom immediately what happened...but my parents weren't there. That guy scared me so much because he knew my family and my mom. He was in his early thirties and he was staring at me so much it was creeping me out. I absorbed all the shock and the humiliation when I got home..so by the time taht everyone was asleep..the icky feeling began sinking in..and I cried :(

2005-12-13T07:54:00.000-08:00

In the previous blogs, I've said how this season has sent me into a series of all sorts of Christmas Parties here and there. And of course, when it's a party, it's a gathering..a gathering of friends..old and new ones. People from the supposed closed chapter of my past have been coming back in my life. NOT, of course, in their previous forms of course. LIke karma, they're coming back into my life again but this time my relationship with these people has changed. I don't know if it's the Christmas season that tends to really rebuild or build relatiobnships.

I can name them as the 3 musketeers, my 3 kings, the three blind mice ( heheh yeah they've been blind for a time too) ..i don't know..3 stoodges perhaps?!. For a time they have all been part of my life, and for a time, fate has taken them away from me (or so I thought). SOmehow, one by one, they have been "coming back" to my life. Somehow, when I first me them, my relationship to them was different. Something happened and for some reason...they just disappeared..(my doing or theres it doesn't matter) ..notice I'm not going into specifics here.

Anyway they're back, in a different kind of way that is. Now I feel more comfortable with them. I even have a fun time just talking to them. And amazingly, they make me laugh..and not just laugh ..but really laugh my heart out. All the awkwardness of stingy situations have melted away, and the wall that I created for myself has now been broken down. And I really feel good that these three people are ..what I can call my friends. The degree of closeness may very from each person..but I still feel good despite all the humiliating and hurting things that happened before.

There are times that when I talk to them...it makes me wonder what has happened so bad that made me not see how great they really were.

2005-12-13T07:22:00.000-08:00

okay..so I've been busy. Busy with lots of meetings and parties and by the time that I go home ..it's either I have so much to do that I don't have time to write. OR my mind is too tired to think of something intellectual or witty to write about. i had no idea that a Xmas Party Marathon could be such a tiring thing to do.

Saturday I did myself a favor for resting the whole day because I knew very well the several days to come would use up all my energy. That night, I went to a sectoral Christmas Party (together with our couple coordinators) and performed this humorous repoirte of the classic OPM Christmas song, KUMUKUTI-KUTITAP (translation: twinkling). As much as I'd rather NOT recall the obviously embarrassing event that has been captured on witty inventions such as the video camera, for documentation purposes as well as passing on the legacy of my eventful life -- I am OBLIGED by my future children to write down something for blackmail purposes. Our sector household (that was abandoned by some late and absent members) performed that song with the intention of making a laugh out of it. It was fun..but doing all those actions ..the thought alone makes me cringe. A Complete no-no to those who'd want a repeat performance. I had fun that night. There were lots of food ..but much to my disadvantage I really couldn't eat as much. The games were great and I just had a good laugh. After that, we just finished the night at starbux. [i'm still painstakingly trying to fill it up by the way].

Sunday morning I had to wake up early and go to the center. Me, along with other fulltime workers and MV's, had to display our "hidden talents" in a production number for the Christmas Party? Why they thought of that insane idea? I don't know. But my stomach is still churning as my mind wonders if my members will still respect me with that. Our dance perfomance of Mariah Carey's Joy to the World was well received by amused members that they shouted "MORE!!!" after our performance. I'm just wondering though...by more would it mean "MORE" - coz u guys are great?! or "MORE" - more input for blackmail. Sunday night I got home late and exhausted because of the metro manila praisfest and the last-minute drop in at the Community Based Christmas Party.

Mondays and Tuesdays are full of meetings. But Wednesdays till Friday will be one helluva week with all those parties. As of this point, I'm still thinking what crazy whirlwind will I get myself into this week. We're planning to sleepover at a friend's house and pass out over another movie marathon of drama and commedy (no horror movies please..Emily Rose almost killed me).

My thoughts are so overwhelming I can't think of one witty sentence to wrap this thing up. But then again why wrap it up when it's waiting to be revealed for everyone just to be anxious of what will happen next?

2005-12-07T23:31:00.000-08:00

Tales of Last Christmas and the alleged "Samahan"

" Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away..."

That song has been playing for the nth time today. Not that I can totally relate to the song. NOTE: I didn't give my heart to anyone last Christmas. I did give, however, 2 years ago..and he didn't give it away the next day. He waited till a week before valentine's day to finally realize, he just wasn't into me.

Gee, here I go again with cynicism at such an appropriate season. Scroodge is coming out to play today.

Girls who give their hearts as gifts on Christmas - priceless, genuine, and noble.The perfect compliment to the line "Why don't you give love on Christmas day." Why don't we? Take a look a the increase of self-help book sales, alcoholic drinks, obssessive senseless shopping sprees, and broken hearts. Get the idea.

Girls who give their hearts as gifts. Come to think of it..it doesn't happen on just holiday seasons. It is an everyday expectation.At a minimum rate of 365 hearts per day - people succumb to their own stupidity and give what they have grown to protect for their entire lives. Some are fortunate enough to have it cherished while some already are rendered insignificant. When pain looks for a companion, they resort to joining the "samahan". Year-enders are dreaded everytime and they cringe at hearing the note of a Christmas Carol. They just can't stand being all happy and cheery in their four-walled empty apartment.

Members of this well-known society - of which has proliferated the country - use advent season in a slightly differnt way. Rehearsing lines, summing the courage and strength, practicing stonecold faces, and get-away situations has filled these three weeks of waiting for the imminent event of inquisitive looks and raised eyebrows, posing as nosey interrogators of their lovelives. And relucantly, these members have to answer questions which point out the obvious - "Asan ka na boyfriend mo?" (where's your boyfriend?)or yet a more blunt question of "bakit wala ka pang boyfriend?" (why don't you have a boyfriend?) Another series of reunions and parties -- of which all you can do is successfully blend yourself with the buffet table, which stands close to the wall -- and spend hours serving as witnesses to the couple infested crowd.

To those who don't live with their families or relatives, it's a one month calvary - complete with a crown of bitter lonely memories, wounds left unresolved, and a cross of gifts with no one to give it to. By the end of the road, you're there crucified to heaps of colored boxes that no one appreciates.

Samahan ng Malalamig ang Pasko. -- and no I'm not talking about the weather. As a dutiful member of this world-wide movement of complete boycott for Hallmark-ran holidays, I've done my own share of keeping this group alive. Last Christmas however was different.

What happened to me last Christmas? Heaps of call-center mney. Wrapped presents ready to be given to my favorite people. A mass with relatives. A sumptous feast. DVD Marathon. A rain of text messages. Money from my godfathers.

And a well protected heart.

I wasn't going t be the foolish girl that ws described in the song. After trying to gather what was left of a painful tragedy at the beginning of 2004, I have resolved to heal my battered heart and decided to give love on Christmas day...rather SELECTIVELY.

The urge to text the criminal (a.k.a - the heartbreaker) a greeting was successfully surpressed by other people (a.k.a - new potentials - or potential heartbreakers) easily distracting me from my own woes.

I believe my samahan was lenient enough for not punishig me frmo deviating from the usual "Samahan" rituals on Christmas eve. Namely Sob-fests. Burning rituals (well..we usually do this on V-day anyway). Crazy karaoke nights filled with bitter love songs. Voo-doo rituals. Oddly enough, I wasn't ambushed by the usual investigators. I'm guessing they already know my answers since I became a walking cliche of heartbreak. I decided to take advantage of the atmosphere of niceties and silently forgave the criminal for his crime, and hope that next year will do me kindness.

My membership status has been changed from full-time to honorary. I still cringe on the thought that Valentine's day actually exists. And shun at the fact that the Hallmark Indusry makes money in making others feel miserable and lonely equally to its seeming objective of making others feel good.

I'll still meet my fellow samahan for a coffee-filled lamentation session of unfair moments in ths world. But I still am hopeful that male bashing sessions I believe will soon minimize as long as Santa fullfills my wish this Christmas.

Lonely Heart asking for donations please. PISO MO KINABUKASAN KO. :)

2005-12-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

cliche -- commonly known as the overrated and the overused and ..probably over ABUSED. stuff that has gone so old school that it has abused the term classic. the world's so old that its almost revolving around it.

the good vs. the bad. the proverbial debate of science vs. religion. truth hurts.time is gold. heartaches and bitterness.drinking till you drop. the night life. too busy to notice. -- the whole aftermath of brokenness and break-ups.pop artists gone bad.movies with happy endings. movies that attempt to provide a sad ending but fail miserably in the end. little poor kid got rich. falling inlove with people of other classes.popular vs. dorks. largely televised weddings and engagements full of promises -- hence the headline making divorce as if the marriage was just an illusion.people revolution.impeachment trials.trials perse. wiretapping. text messages. cinderella story.middle-child angst. love is blind and all the hair-raising gushy love quotes that come with it. noon time tv shows. chinovelas and telenovelas.tv show rivalries.reality tv. beauty contest. change is constant. harmony is disharmony. i will survive. there's a rainbow always after the rain. "everyone-hates-me" syndrome. the ugly duckling theme. if you can't beat them join them. every cloud has a silver lining. good girl gone bad. quality vs. quantity. win or lose its how you play the game.fashion victiims and runaway brides. inner beauty vs. outer beauty. don't judge a book by its cover. beauty is skin deep. it's the thought that counts. nobody is perfect.i'm only human.don't worry be happy.shit happens. that's the way it is. to be or not to be laughter is the best medicine. even cliche spotting in articles - has grown to be a cliche. (well i don't think you'd have a hard time looking this time)

as a writer, i'd cringe at the idea of putting all these things into one article. One alone can raise eyebrows. two may be bearable enough. but more than three is a career suicide.
thanks vinz for the contribution - i know it almost killed you at the sight of all of them put together.

another evidence that people are getting duller and duller by the minute ( i hope i don't fall into that trap). maybe the world just needs some additional creative vitamins or something. wake me up if another concept has been infected with the cliche bug that it has been transformed as your next door driver's ringing tone.

2005-12-07T06:35:00.000-08:00

my heart was pounding. molecular-sized sweat started forming at the brim of my forehead. my hands were fidgeting. and i looked away. I never thought this would be so nerve racking. not only was this silence deafening. it was pure torture - it was killing the living daylights out of me. i took one look at him before I said what I had to say.

has this happened to you? you're on the brink of uncovering something, discovering a lie, a forgotten memory, the most inconceivable scandal of the century, the most hurful truth, the latest gossip, the commercial break before awarding the next winner of survivor, the edge-of-the-seat moment before the criminal unravels himself. even the after effects of all the unfolding are as equally unbearable as discovering it. the whole "what's next?" seems to be the unspoken question in the midst of the inevitable "dead air".

dead air. - was dead air really even dead to begin with?

i told him for the first time what i felt. blow by blow without stopping. from the time that i discovered what i felt to the present of how the immense unceasing pressure of telling this was enough to make me ran away for the rest of my life. I let my mouth voluntarily voice out the opinion of my soul. I was already outside of my self. I didn't remember how he reacted ..and i don't think i'd have the strength to even ask. And then I was done. All secrets were out. Nothing could be kept hidden. No pretenses. This was real as one can get when it comes to confessing a 5 year love-affair with his ignorant soul. what started with a childhood crush bloomed into like and into head-over-heels-movie-worth-moments kind of love.

I felt like I ran 10 miles as I stopped dead in my track of confessions. it was pounding so fast my own soul couldn't keep up with it.

and he was silent.

the silence was more painful than my confession. he couldn't say anything?! i was mentally strangling his neck for staying silent and dazed! ANYTHING FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
so that's why it's called dead air. -- you're mentally and emotionally killed just standing in its presence. but how can it be really dead? when i knew very well that the silence in itself bore so much meaning?

i knew what that silence meant -- he didn't feel the same way.

there's so much meaning to silence. so much to dead air. its that one moment that you allow the truth to simmer into you or you allow to boil it out. it stands for things that are yet unsaid. its the answer to unanswerable questions. the truth to invisible actions. its what you get from your mother for disappointing her. its what you get from a runaway boyfriend that can't seem to stand up and say that he doesn't love you anymore. it's what you get when that job that you've been clamouring for is given to some person who got away with charm instead of intelligience. it's what you get for asking questions with truths to delicate to be brought out into the open.

i wanted to kick myself in the stomach for being stupid. for trying to whip up a classic movie ending - "the girl finally confesses and the guy feels the same way" - kinda scene.
i was lost in thoughts of suicide or mercy killing when he said a word and brought me back to hardcore reality.

"thanks".

HUWATT?!?! You sing out sonnets of love and go though the melody of your love life. You went through unchartered territory and decided to simply "wing it". You tried to "free" yourself by the trapping box of friendship. -- and all he can say was a one-syllable word that's not even longer than a second. not even louder than the telephone riniging in the background. After that winning script that you practiced for days and days - with complete intonation, tempo and what-not ...

all he can give was a measly word of consolation. so arbitrary you'd want to get a dictionary to make sure what he really meant by that.

which was better? the torture of dead air that seemed to kept you alive with you hanging by the thread.

or that no brainer of a word that hit you right in the bullseye.

2005-12-07T02:05:00.000-08:00

i am testing to see..

if all these downloads that i did with oodles of idle time

..are even worth it :)